http://www.sneri.blog.br/euro2012.html

Sometimes I cry...

A year ago today my friend burks grandpa died. As much as I emphathize for him, I'm also jealous of him too. I've NEVER had a grandpa. Never sat on his lap, walked downtown holding hands to get ice cream never helped him work on cars never sat listening and laughing as he told me stories about what it was like for him growing up. Jerry (the ex husband) is the only man/person who knows that sometimes, while I'm washing dishes or doing laundry or some other random chore, I cry tears for the 2 chances that I had to have a grandpa. I cry everytime someone I know tells me something about their grandpa. Even if it was something bad because I know that they don't realize that he didn't have to be in their lives and I know that they have no idea how much of them would be missing if he weren't in their life. And most of all I cry because I'm to afraid to ask why I don't have a grandpa, 2 times over. I'm afraid that between the two of them its some selfish reason then I'd be angry at them and...I'm just getting to a point where I'm ok with my parents. Just Ok.

Tonight I cried for that empty piece of me.
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Empty womb

I don't know what I was thinking telling the truth. I wish I was a liar. All the lairs in my life seem to have it all...

I found out that keeping the baby meant giving birth to a child who is addicted to narcotics. If that was all I might be able to get through it because its just a matter of treating the addiction. But we all know that it also means a risk for brain damage and other illnesses. So I'd be giving up sickle cell for something else.

I don't know how he felt about me knowing that I'd rather hav my child than to hav him in my life halfway. I hope he understands that having a part of him Wholly is more than the amount of him that I hav now. This year I can't convince myself that I'm okay with what he's giving me. I still answer all of his calls and still make him priority in my life as if he's my man. There's no justification to why he expects this from me but isn't ranking me the same. This year my mantra is "I give what I get". Right now I need to have someone in my life who ranks me high. Well, someone in Cols. Chris is great but he's in Tol. When I'm in town he's there for me, sort of. I haven't told him that I have tainted cells... He asked about the scars on my chest... I didn't lie... He does the same thing as my ex husband... Guess I need to get use to callin him my ex, he said no to us cause of the baby. Do I know him or what?! Lol. It was for the best I suppose, I was settling. He's great and all but not for me. Not MY total package. If I'm honest with myself none of the men that I've been with have been my Total package. Each one had something(s) the previous one didn't but there was always a moment where I was saying "well, he doesn't do..." And then I would tell myself that I should see if I could let whatever that was go and sometimes I ended up compromising a piece of me in that process and I know that's not how it was supposed to go. I loved them but that means nada, when it comes to what types of compromises and sacrifices they're willin to make for me then I could pretend to be equal...

Everyone claims to know how I feel. Do they know how empty my spirit feels right now. Where are they to rock me to sleep when I'm crying at night about a child I never even got to name... Its just me myself and I... I hope this helps them to understand the attitude I'm takin on this year.
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Coming to an end... Maybe

There is a life inside me. A life I'm not so ready to let go of yet. I know that I said I would but now I'm thinking that I don't have to tell anyone who's child this is. Jus because he can walk away and pretend this never existed doesn't mean that I can, or even will. I've been thinking...I can try to have this baby and just not hold him responsible. Its been done plenty of times in the past besides, this is and will be MY child regardless of him not wanting him/her. it is so easy for a man to just throw away a child, they don't have to deal with the fact that a life has attached itself inside their womb. I'm scared but this isn't any different from my everyday life. I'm always afraid.

I've got a chance to have my very own family. I'm not sure how he'll feel about this and, not to be insensitive but, I don't care. right now this is about me. And if I have to lose him to hav the child that I thought I'd never have then it would maybe, be worth it.
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Like before...

I want my life back. Back to the way it was before I knew I was capable of loving someone so deeply. Back to the way it was when I was happily married, knowing that there would be hurdles but not allowing someone to weasel into my broken heart. I want to go back to that day where I had a choice to leave my husband or the day where I met Marc and the day where I decided to look into this mans heart. Why was I searching??? My husband gave me everything I needed, mayb not everything I wanted but he took care of my needs. Marc took care of my wants...
I can change this back. I will change this back. I have no reason to tell the truth right now. Telling the truth will not get me what I want. Once you convince yourself of the lie it becomes the truth.

...

I want my life back. I want my husband back....

He cherished me, he was happy to have me on his arm he wasn't ashamed of me he truly loves me he would never cheat on me I mean much more to him than that. He wanted all of me and I hurt him. I don't desearve his love. I desearve what Marcus did to me because what I did to Jerry is jus as bad as what Marcs wife did to him. If he takes me back I will do and be whatever he wants me to be. I love him care about him more than anything time for me to get him back. And when I do, no more Juan no more T.sparks no more Fiyah...
Maybe if I can accomplish this the universe will stop punishing me.
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Reminiscin

I miss Jerry...

I miss having him to hold me when I'm feelin lost and afraid of my own success. He'd hold me, tell me how I'm not just A strong woman but HIS strong woman and that I deserve to succeed...that I deserve to accomplish my goals and then I'd thank him for being there to share all of this with me because without someone to share it with its not nearly as meaningful. He'd kiss me and thank me for keeping him around :)

...

I pray that God will send me someone deserving of me and my big heart and my strong desire to please. I pray that God will guide me in moving forward in my life in a way that prepares me for that special Man. And I pray that God will make it very plain to me if indeed I am to go back to Jerry.
Forget my feelings and the confessions that he's made. Is he still My Husband???

I promised myself that regardless of how I feel about a man, I will not go BACK to a man I've been with previously unless he Completely sheds his pride and understands without me having to say so that he has to work to have me back. And I'm done giving away CEO rewards to a Part-time/Temporary employee, if that makes any sense to you. I have 3 jump-offs, that HAS to change!

Wish me luck Apartment hunting. I've seen some Beautiful, Brand New, 2bd/2bth Townhouses, Lofts and Condo's online already. Can't wait to see them in person!

Later!
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Thanksgiving Down...

Well, I haven't written in a little bit. I think that it's because writing things down make them real and I guess the new me was having a bit of a hard time with some things that the old me is really comfortable with. I spent thanksgiving visiting a friend in the hospital. I had fun though and was nearly stress free.

I guess the thing that's been on my mind the most is Marc. I like what we have but I sorta miss spending time with him and his fam. Me and Nancy are still real cool, I miss her callin me sis. I love his mom and I know she loves me but in the last couple of months I've only gone over to see her once. I could literally spend every day with her like I hav in the past. I've been good about callin and checking in with her. I'm gonna invite her out to eat next time I'm in town. ...I do realize that the reason I've been distant is because although I do love marc I've had to come to term with the fact that him tellin me that I was the love of his life was a bit selfish and premature. I remember vividly the day he said those words to me... We weren't even officially together we just spent so much time together... I've NEVER been happier. I remember being mad at him for not wanting me to come home while Tammy was there. And if I could ever get him to really look back at our relationship he would see that it was his actions, startin with that one that started my insecurity. I was so happy and secure in our relationship before that, I didn't need a title, it was in his actions... Anyway, now he's my jump off and I hav no idea what's goin on wit him and the love of his life. But the new me...kinda doesn't care. If I can't be with who I want then I will never love with my whole self ever again. There are 2 men in this world who hav ever experienced my love and it will stay that way. The one thing that marcus taught me is that there is no such thing as one and only love. If I was gonna be mad at marc for anything it would be for having the ability to be loved by many people. I will never know how he feels about me but at least I must b a good lay to him cause he came back for more.
.....
I'm tired of thinking about this... I will never cry about a relationship ever again. You can't have what was never yours.
.....
One would think that I'd be embarrased to be sleepin with a man that it would seem used me but u would have to be me to understand that u can't fake this kind of love. Or I meant "that" kind of love.
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Loving me vs. Living the Dream Life

I think that I've spent more time over the last couple of months laughing when what I really wanted to do was cry. I really wanted to be able to make it work with David but then at the same time I was looking for an out. And when I found one, oh boy did I take it! I felt a little bad because I mis represented myself but I had to do it. This is not what I really wanted. The thing is I knew that if I would've asked him not to go to S.C. Before he went he wouldnt have gone. So even though I'm not the type of woman to tell a man to turn down money and a dream job for me I pretended that I changed my mind and I didnt see myself moving there for any amount of time and that I changed my mind about buying a house in Cols to live in the days he worked and do a long distance sort of thing. Kinda like the proffesional Ball Players do it. I made like I wanted him to quit and just come find a job here...It worked, I got my out. I really wanted to believe that I could live like that but the truth is I could've, with him anyway. He was annoying to be around for long periods of time but I knew that he'd be at work and I'd be spending his money and I'd be so miserable that I'd end up having an affair, or multiple affairs. But thats not who I am nor who I ever want to be. I'd much rather be In love with someone who's in love with me and live check to check than the alternative.
So, here I am. Once again choosing to love myself enough to simply be single, waiting for the right one to come along and make me feel the way I feel about "M". Only someone capable of making me love that deeply, desearves my love. My friend, the only one that I told about the special evening we had right before I left (well, it felt like it did everytime we were together, not special but perfect :) ), she asked me why don't I speak about getting back with him since Im using that relationship to gauge the new ones by. My answer was that its not that I wouldnt love for that to happen but it cant. It took me a long time to get it through my head that it was really over between us. No way for me to turn it back around. I dont think that he would humble himself enough to say whats necessary to get me back and nor do I think he wants me back in that way. Having good sexual chemistry does not mean that you are meant to be with that person. Everything that taste good to you isnt good for you.

Later!
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Noon Revelations

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. More than usual anyway and I dont think I will go visit David in S.C. I think that Im rushing this a bit and i'm pretty sure that I dont want to marry him any time soon. I need to just let him go, I dont want to hold him back from the things he wants for his life. He's a great guy but im not in relationship mode right now. I just want to get laid and have someone fun to spend time with. I also want to work on takin care of me right now, this has got to be my priority if I ever want a real chance at true happiness.

Later!
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Memories come true

I remember sitting last Wednesday thinking that he said yes. Lol! I felt like I was in the 5th grade again. The more I thought about him touching me, the more I began to question this decision that I've made. Did I really agree to "hook up" with my ex??? The real question that I began to ask myself is "am I ready to do this with complete detachment from him"? The answer...is no. But guess what?!? I did it anyway! The thing is, its not that I was instantly going to want him back but every time he touched me his words would flash into my mind. For instance, I can remember him trying to make me believe that there was a deep bond between us and I was saying that just because we had alot in common and just because we were friends didnt mean that our connection wasnt something we purposely created. At that moment he grabbed me by my head/hair and kissed me. So passionately that I became intoxicated by his breath! My knees weakened and if it wasnt for the fact that he was holding me up, I wouldve fallen to the floor. He then asked me if that felt fake. (Or something to that effect) and I couldnt even aanswer him. All i could do is stand there... I couldnt believe the way a kiss had me feeling...
And last Friday was no different. His kiss made me weak and his touch made me quiver... We made love and it was as if we Never Skipped a Beat. Im ok that we're not together but i would like it if we could still lay chest to chest making sweet music from the tempo of our heartbeats. Until next time...


Later!
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